Embrace the awkies

In the summer of 2014, Cody and I were studying the book of Job through Jon Courson's weekly teachings. After digging into his teachings, we both talked about how we were a little concerned the Lord was preparing us for something pretty hard. We even joked about quitting the book of Job because we were worried about the outcome. 5 months later we lost our first child through miscarriage and lost our second child through miscarriage 3 months after that. In retrospect, it's completely evident the Lord was preparing our hearts for what was to come. (Um..big time-DUH!) And because of that, I am so thankful for His faithfulness to strengthen my spirit in advance. 

If you haven't read the book of Job, it's important to know that Job was considered blameless before the Lord. Job suffered greatly by losing everything he owned, losing his entire family and suffering from a painful illness. Often times, Christians will find comfort in this book of the Bible because Job suffered so much and still persevered through it all. Most importantly, he DID NOT turn away from the Lord in his suffering. When we experienced our difficult season, I loved reading about Christians who suffered and persevered because it encouraged me big time. So naturally, I revisited the book of Job after our losses and now I have a list of ways you can be there for someone who has lost a child through miscarriage or stillbirth. 

In chapter 2 of Job, his friends hear about his great suffering and well, let's see what the Bible says:

"Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this adversity that had come upon him, each one came from his own place—Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. For they had made an appointment together to come and mourn with him, and to comfort him."

Pretty awesome but here's the best part....

"So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great."

"And no one spoke a word to him!" They said NOTHING! Well, look at that! What did they say? Nothing! 

And so we begin The Do's and Don'ts of caring for someone who has miscarried or lost a child through stillbirth.

The Do's

- THE BIG ONE: Be okay with not saying anything except maybe an "I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through."
- LPT: View their loss as if they lost a 6 month old baby. It will help your perspective quite a bit. 

- Be present and create a safe place for them to go. 

- Pray for them tons! 

- Send/deliver meals, treats or care packages to them.

- Remember them on hard days such as: the baby's due date, Mother's Day, the day they lost their baby and any other milestones. Send them a card or something thoughtful around those times. 

- Ask them how they are doing and ask them often. If their response is brief, be okay with that and trust that you loving on them is working, even if it doesn't seem like it. 

Furthermore, Job's friends eventually mess up (because apparently too much silence gives them a case of the awkies) and start giving Job reasons for his suffering. I imagine the root of this is to make those who are suffering figure out what they need to learn so their grief magically disappears. But that's not how it goes, my friends. Let's just leave it up to the Lord to teach them everything awesome and holy and perfect and in the meantime we can just be present! So Job responds to his friends' imperfect advice by saying, in Job 16:2,

 "I have heard many things like these; you are miserable comforters,all of you!"

Ouch! And so we begin the Do Nots (Or the Don'ts or the how to not be a miserable comforter).

The Don'ts 

- Don't talk about how they can have another baby. Nothing can replace what was lost. (Remember the 6 month old example.)

- Don't offer unsolicited advice if you haven't experienced it yourself. I mean, you can try but most of the time this doesn't end well and you are no longer that safe place.

- Don't worry about making them cry by asking them how they are doing. 

- Don't complain about your pregnancy or kids around them.

- Don't expect their grieving to end quickly. 

- If you are pregnant, don't expect them to be there for you in a way others can. Please be okay with this. I know being pregnant is so wonderful but it also fuels a selfishness that is just silly. Be okay with them being excited for you from a distance, but don't ignore them. (Thankfully my friends and family were so gentle with me through this.) Acknowledge the elephant in the room. Here's an example: "I know it's so hard for you right now so if you can't [fill in the blank] I totally understand and love you." Easy Peasy! 

I hope this helps even one relationship out there. As a friend or relative, you have an awesome opportunity to be there for someone in a way that no one else can. And it's not because of this silly list I made in the notes section of my iphone; it's through Christ in us. When we stop considering our feelings and focus on the needs of those who are hurting (yes, even through the awkies) we totally glorify the Lord and can impact someone's life big time. Now, get to work! 

Our Story

I have prayed about this post since December 4, 2014. Not because I was anxious to share the story about our struggle, but simply because I knew that the Lord wouldn't want me to be quiet about what He was going to do in our lives. In the midst of trials and difficulties, God has revealed Himself in such a near and intimate way. This has been the absolute hardest season we have ever experienced, but through it, we have seen the Lord work and heard from the Lord like never before.

I asked the Lord if I should share our miscarriage story in detail, but He said, "Nope, tell them what I've done". There really is nothing great about our trial except for what the Lord has done through it. I would be more than happy to share my story as the Lord leads me to, but I don't think that's just yet. :)

So in a very short story, on December 3rd, Cody and experienced our first miscarriage at 12.5 weeks. The Lord's nearness in our experience and pain was absolutely unreal. He spoke these verses to our hearts just that night alone: "My strength is made perfect in your weakness" (2 Cor. 12:9), "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord" (2 Cor. 5:8), "all things work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28). The Lord in His great and mighty presence spoke His Word to our hearts in the most needed times. That alone will always be so sweet to us!

Every normal person battles with the question, "Why?". "Why, Lord, when we did everything right? Why, Lord, when we didn't miss a single day or night to pray for our child?" And the Lord answered us with Acts 17:27, "so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, thought He is not far from each one of us;" And Ecclesiastes 3:1 " to everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:" I have seen the Lord live out Ecclesiastes 3 in our lives in such a rad way. We've had times of sorrow, deep sorrow, and the Lord gave us sweet seasons of laughter. It was so encouraging to see the Lord bring us in and out of those seasons and recognize that the seasons of laughter in our home were from Him. (we even had a few seasons of dancing in there, too!)

Months after, the Lord reminded me of how He answered one of our prayers. On my way to work the morning I found out I was pregnant, I prayed that our child would grow up knowing and living for the Lord, that our child would ultimately know Christ personally. We prayed this all the time for our child. God reminded me that through this trial, that prayer alone was answered. As sad as our story may be, God answered our prayer from the beginning, from the day we found out we conceived. Again, that alone gives us so much peace!

In March, we experienced our second miscarriage at 6 weeks. We got to a place where we were lost and so confused and shocked that we lost another child. We prayed asking the Lord what He wanted us to do next. It really went something like this, "Lord, what in the world are we supposed to do now?" One night, Cody prayed that the Lord would speak to me in my dreams. That night, I had a dream that someone was speaking to me and they were giving me different verses from the Bible. In response, I was writing them down. I woke up while receiving the third verse that said this, " I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go". (Psalm 32:8) "Well, Lord, okay then!

I could seriously write forever about all the Lord has done in and through us. Ultimately, I want to share how the Lord was so near to us and ANYONE can have that same nearness with the Lord. I will admit it has been quite a roller coaster of seasons and when we say it has been heavy and dark, we mean it! But my desire is to "rejoice in HOPE of the GLORY of GOD"(Romans 5:2).

 Our message to you: Don't miss out! Don't rob yourself from all God has to speak into your life by wasting it on temporary things! Investing in things made by man mean nothing if you don't know the Lord and what He speaks in His Word. Read His Word! Satan is winning if your Bible is collecting dust. God's Word is living and active and wants to transform your life! Get to it, friends! Get to it!